I never imagined I'd be writing about our babies in such a tragic way, but life can take unexpected turns, and although we always held out hope amongst the uncertainty, it ended in the worst possible way. After a complicated twin pregnancy, filled with many scares and hospital stays, I gave birth to our baby boys, William and Noah, at 23 weeks + 2 days, in the early hours of 1st November. There are no words to describe the pain we feel, the sadness of holding our tiny sons knowing it was for the last time, or the heartache of having to plan our babies funeral. There is nothing which can be said or done to ease the sorrow, we can only let the tears fall and hold each other.
'A Pair of Shoes'
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so much that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realise that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.