Amy Antoinette

Motherhood & Authentic Living

Filed Under: Baby Loss

Always Loved, Never Forgotten

I never imagined I’d be writing about our babies in such a tragic way, but life can take unexpected turns, and although we always held out hope amongst the uncertainty, it ended in the worst possible way. After a complicated twin pregnancy, filled with many scares and hospital stays, I gave birth to our baby boys, William and Noah, at 23 weeks + 2 days, in the early hours of 1st November. There are no words to describe the pain we feel, the sadness of holding our tiny sons knowing it was for the last time, or the heartache of having to plan our babies funeral. There is nothing which can be said or done to ease the sorrow, we can only let the tears fall and hold each other.
 
‘A Pair of Shoes‘
Author Unknown
 
 
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so much that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realise that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

 

 

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Comments

  2. Emma says

    I am so, so sorry for your tragic loss, I can't even begin to imagine what you both are going through. Thinking of you at this sad time xx

  4. Nicola says

    I had no idea you were even pregnant Amy I am so sorry for both your losses. there are no words of comfort that i could offer to even begin to heal your pain, it just takes time. Lots of love to the both of you xxxx

  8. Amy says

    Amy, I'm so, so sorry for the both of you. Nothing that we can say will help with what you are feeling, but we are thinking of you and your family xxx

  9. Lydia says

    Oh Amy, there's nothing I can say but I am thinking of you and sending all my love to you and your husband, you will get through this and they won't be forgotten xxx

  11. Becky. says

    🙁 I can't even begin to imagine the pain and heartache you're going through right now. But I do know how strong the love is between you and your husband so I know you'll help each other through this tragic time xxxx

  16. Tamsin says

    This is heartbreaking to read Amy, but you and your husband seem so strong so I'm certain you will get through this terrible time in your life. Thinking of you xxxx

  21. Hannah WTMF says

    Amy, I am so sorry for your loss. I know that I can't say much that will ease your pain, but to read that poem again and again. But I am thinking of you.
    Lots of love,
    Hannah xxx

  24. Lea says

    I'm so sorry, there's nothing more anyone can say. From the bottom of my heart, my thoughts are with you and your husband. You will get through this, stay strong. Lea x

  25. Naghmeh says

    oh Amy I'm so sorry, that is a beautiful poem and so true I cannot even begin to understand the pain you are going through but you and your husband have such a strong love to get through this together. you are both in my thoughts xx

  28. Louise - Affordable Treats says

    I wish there was something I could say to ease the pain. I am so, so sorry for your loss. Hopefully, you and your husband can provide comfort and support for one another, and help each other through the heartbreak. Rest In Peace, William and Noah.

  32. Laura says

    Amy, I'm so very sorry to hear of your terrible loss. Nothing can ease the pain you and your husband are experiencing right now, be kind to yourselves and take the time to grieve. I will keep you in my thoughts, William and Noah will never be forgotten xxx

  43. Emily says

    Oh this is horrible news. The poem was beautiful. All my thoughts are with you, noone should have to go through this. Nothing anyone can say will make it better but at least you know you have a ton of support off everyone who is commenting.

  48. Dot (Claire) says

    Amy, I am so so sorry. I hope you both take care of each other, I can only imagine how hard this is for you. My thoughts are with you both and I'm sending you lots of love. Stay strong. Xxxxl

  52. Fisi ♥ says

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I know there's nothing anyone could say to take your pain away. My thoughts are with you and your family, please stay strong x

  60. charliebelle says

    This has brought tears to my eyes, I am so sorry for yours & your husbands loss…..I can not even imagine the pain & heartache you are both going through. My thoughts & prayers are with you both at this time xxx

  64. Steph says

    Words can't begin to express how saddened I am for you both. Life can be cruel and test us in the worst possible ways. I'm not a religious person, but I'm saying a little prayer for You, Matt, Noah and William tonight. xx

  65. Rebecca says

    Oh Amy I'm so, so sorry. Judging from your marriage on here you seem like an extremely strong couple and if anyone can get through this its you two. I'm absolutely heart broken for you. Sending you so much love xxxxxx

  68. MindyandRoo says

    I'm so so sorry, I can't even begin to imagine your pain. Just so awful, please look after each other and please treat yourself kindly, sending lots of love your way. <3333

  69. layla says

    Oh Amy, I'm so sorry to hear this. I didn't even know you were pregnant and to now read that you went through all that and lost your little boys is just heart breaking. God bless you! I'm praying he'll give you the strength to go on. mmuuuah!

  72. Lou says

    There really are no words that can express the pain and hurt you are feeling right now. You no doubt have an amazing network of people behind you and make sure you and your husband talk and don't bottel anything up.

    My thoughts are with you.

    Lou xx
    http://www.thekeypieces.co.uk

  75. BeckyLilli says

    Sending love to you and your husband at this difficult time. Stay strong and cherish the memories you had with your boys, however short they were. xxx

  77. Anonymous says

    It's nearly 3 years since we lost Poppie and Grace, our twin girls who we lost at just 13 weeks. It hurts so much and I promise I know exactly what you're feeling. Stick together with your beautiful husband, try not to get cross at each other (my OH and I got snappy because of stress) and cry when you need to. I spent a good 4 weeks on the sofa crying for hours, my Other Half wrapping me up for the odd sleep and bringing me lunch to try and force me to eat. The grief will feel like it's a big ocean washing over you. I'm not going to say it gets better because that's a lie. It eventually feels easier to cope with every day but nothing in the world can describe the loss you feel each day. I often think about Poppie and Grace- I imagine they'd have their dad's big blue eyes and my brown hair- and stuff like that makes me smile.

    I realise it's too soon now but we went to a Saying Goodbye service which is a charity set up by a husband and wife who themselves have lost 5 babies. The services are held in cathedrals and are the most beautiful things, we really felt like Poppie and Grace were with us. There's an article about Saying Goodbye in the current issue of Red, maybe you could buy it and read it in a few months when you feel able?

    I can't describe how much love I am sending you. Thinking of you in my prayers, darling xxxx

  79. Computergirl says

    Lovely Amy, I am so sorry to hear your news. Life can be very cruel. I hope that you and Matt draw strength from each other. What a horrible time for you. I hope that you are able to find some space and rest between everything you have to sort. Sending lots of love xx

  81. Kitty Read says

    Amy, I am so deeply saddened to read this. I am so so sorry for your loss and only hope that you and your husband can find strength together. Love to you both, rest in peace little William and Noah xxxx

  83. Carly says

    Oh Amy I can't begin to describe how sorry and sad I am to hear this. There is no greater pain in this world. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Your darling boys were wanted and destined for a better place all along. Keep strong xxx

  86. Anonymous says

    Amy, i have been following your blog for a few years now, im not a blogger & i have never commented before – i have just merely enjoyed reading your posts etc. But all the way from australia where i have moved to with my fiance i want to say how very sorry i am for your horrible loss. As you say life can be so cruel at times & i am sure that the despair & sorrow you must be feeling is harrowing. I hope with time that you can both feel somehow a little better & that you are physically ok & looking after eachother as im sure you are x Sending you a very long hug. Tx

  87. Tina says

    I doubt that words can offer any type of comfort right now… still, very sorry for your loss, no parent should ever have to go through that. Stay strong, as much as possible. xx

  91. Kelly Jade says

    Amy, I am a stranger to you but for I've read lots of your posts and feel like I know you and strongly feel your heartache. Absolutely devastated for you, you are a beautiful wife and mum. My thoughts are with you.

    xxx
    Kelly

  98. Cheryl Pasquier says

    I am so, so sorry for you. I have been there so I know that there are no words that can bring you any comfort right now. Sometimes life is just so unfair, take some time to grieve – it will get worse before it gets better sadly (the due date is a tough one to get through) but it does eventually start to hurt less, honestly. There are some really supportive groups online with people who really do know what you're feeling that can really help, if and when you feel like you need them. Sending you hugs, I wish I could take away your pain. xxx

  101. Joanna says

    Beautiful Amy! So sorry to hear about your loss. Words cannot describe. Sending warmest thoughts from Norway. Wish there was something to do to take away your pain,but I know it's impossible. Stay strong.

  102. Peacock Lace says

    I am so sorry to read of your loss, I had a lot of troublesome pregnancies last year all resulting in the loss of the pregnancies, and I can't even begin to imagine how this is for you and your husband, I know that I just felt like I was walking around in a daze and that I couldn't work out what emotion I was feeling, I was feeling so much that I was numb. I am so sorry for you both and I hope you take the time to grieve, and to love eachother its the worst thing to go through as a couple. All my love to both of you, and I hope one day you will have a beautiful miracle baby, or babies.. I finally had mine, but I still remember my dates, and still have to have a quiet minute on those days. Stay strong, I'm so sorry xxxx

  104. MediterraneanX says

    So sorry to hear of your loss – my mum is a midwife and she still comes home devastated if one of her patients loses their child – it truly is one of the worst things to go through and I pray you will get through this time with endless inner strength. You are inspirational for being able to post about this – you are helping so many other women in similar situations a chance to relate to you. Big hugs xx

  107. Emma Kershaw says

    I'm so, so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how hard it's been for you, you're a very brave and inspirational woman to write this post, you're in my thoughts xx

  108. PuerariaEx says

    I'm only 21 years old, and dream every day and night about being a Mom. This is devastating, but of course, God is here, and prayers will help you in your way :')

    XoXo!

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