Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Life Lately

It has been seven months since I gave birth to William and Noah and became a mother to children I would never bring home. The speed at which life continues after the death of a child is startling. I cannot believe it has been one week. A month. Almost eight months. A year before we know it.

In so many ways it feels as if it just happened yesterday. I recall the smell of the all too familiar hospital. The feel of Matt's hand in mine. The clothes he was wearing. The physical pain of my twelve hour labour so inconsequential in comparison to the insurmountable pain of knowing each contraction was bringing our sons closer to their death. To give birth to them meant an end to their life. Holding William in our arms as he died is a moment that will live with me forever.

The night we left the hospital and returned to a dark and silent house, with only a memory box and a feeling of emptiness inside, stays with me. We are different people now. Our world is fragile, we know it will never be the same again. It took three months after William and Noah died before the fog of shock cleared and the stark reality set in. Suddenly it became a struggle to get up, to eat, to dress. To breathe. At times it still is. You do not get over the death of your children; our grief and pain will be there forever.

There are still more days with tears than days without. Not an hour goes by when I don't think about our sons. Each day I look at the photo of their precious little faces and wish I had them here to hold. Some days strength abandons me, some days the physical ache returns. These days of raw grief come out of the blue, you can never predict when they will arrive.

Living without your children requires endurance. Death is forever. It is so huge it is incomprehensible. Sometimes the overwhelming endlessness of it all completely consumes us. It never goes away, it just shifts position with the passing of time. But we are still surviving. We live a life we wish we didn't have to, but we'd rather have known William and Noah for a brief time than never at all. We can live with this life because it means they will always be a part of us.



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47 comments:

  1. This post brought tears to my eyes :( I'm so sorry for you. You're a wonderful person. xxxxx

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  2. Thoughts are with you xx

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  3. I'm so sorry. Words can't express.

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  4. Reading your beautiful words is heartbreaking, I can't imagine how you must feel :( stay strong xx

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  5. Such a beautifully written post on such a tragic subject. So sad, so unfair. lots of love xx

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  6. What a beautifully written and incredibly sad post... I am so sorry you had to go through that, I can't even imagine.

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  7. Very beautifully written. Still to this day, I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry you've had to go through - and are still going through - such a heartbreaking experience.

    I wish you all the best. Stay strong xx

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  8. Thinking of you Amy. I know too well the pain you describe and only wish that others didn't have to endure it as well.

    Lots of love to you, Matt, William and Noah.

    Lisa xx
    http://www.thestarsapart.com

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  9. I wish I could reach out and hug you through the computer screen. I have been where you are. I lost my son, also called Noah just over 6 years ago. Also as a birth which came too soon. The life you had is no more and the pain of living without your children and piecing together a new life for you and Matt can feel insurmountable. I feel your grief only as a Mother who has lost a child can. I wish you and Matt all the strength you need to heal. x

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  10. Oh Amy. this post made me just a little teary eyed. I cannot imagine what you must have been through. words just don't describe. you are a wonderful human being.

    Love to you all.

    Jen | sunny sweet pea xx

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  11. Such a moving post. My heart goes out to you both, I am so sorry for your loss xxx

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  12. This was incredibly moving. I'm so sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you and your family. I hope your sons are resting peacefully xxx

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  13. I wish there was something I could say to make things better, but time is the only thing I suppose. You will always love them and they will always be a part of your family, for which they were both very lucky. xxx

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  14. My goodness Amy! What an incredibly beautifully written post. My heart breaks for you and matt. I admire you both so much, this must have been a terribly hard post to write. The loss of a child is something that no one should ever have to experience. You are such a strong and brave lady! Xxx

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  15. My heart goes out to you, can't even begin to imagine...

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  16. You're an amazing person, Never forget that!
    Love and prayers with you and Matt always xoxo

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  17. Sending you loads of love x

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  18. So, so incredibly sad. A beautiful post with lovely pictures. x

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  19. Very moving post. I have tears in my eyes. Life can be so cruel sometimes. God Bless You and your Husband.

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  20. Amy, I am awed by your ability to express in such beautiful words the love and pain you have experienced and continue to bear every day. I know that there are no words which will console you, or make it easier to carry. I just want you to know that this will make you stronger, in ways you won't realise for years to come. Even though the heartache of the loss of your beautiful boys will never leave you, I promise you will know happiness again.

    From some of the words you have used in your post, it sounds like you may be suffering from depression. I say sounds like, as I don't wish to pin a condition on you when I could be completely wrong. I only say this because I've experienced the same daily struggles "to eat, to dress. To breathe." in my journey through illness. If you ever want to talk to someone who's been there too, feel free to send me an email: kat (at) dollyrouge (dot) ie.

    It gets better xxx

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    1. Thank you for your lovely comment Kat, and I'm sorry to hear about your journey with depression. There were times when I too wondered if we were suffering from depression, but our bereavement counsellor, as well as members of the support groups we are a part of, have assured us this is a normal part of grief, particularly in the early months afterwards. Thankfully these especially hard days have now passed and life is a little easier, but we know every so often they'll resurface and we will be able to deal with them as and when they arrive.

      xxx

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  21. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope the fog starts to lift slowly and you can find a way of moving forward without ever forgetting your experience xx

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  22. I'm so sorry :( Our daughter turned 7 months on the 8th June and reading this made me cry, i could not imagine how it feels, even on the days with lots of tears you are so brave and strong. Just remember that xx

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  23. Such a brave and beautifully written post
    xxxx

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  24. I agree with what everyone else has said - this was such a beautifully written/achingly sad post.

    I am so sorry for your loss and hope you regain strength and happiness whilst always keeping their memory close to your heart.

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  25. I cannot believe the heartbreak that you have had to go through. You are a very strong person and William and Noah were lucky to have you as their parent even though it was for just a short amount of time.

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  26. I can not imagine the pain you feel but I have to say sharing this with all of us is amazing and so brave. I'm sure the love they felt in their short lives was pure and they knew they are loved. xx

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  27. My goodness, you are so brave and truly inspirational. Such a beautiful post. I admire you in abundance. xxx

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  28. My heart is with you, I cannot even imagine how much pain you've been going through. Sending you lots and lots of love.

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  29. My thoughts are with you. I can't imagine...when my best friend past away 20+ years ago it took me awhile also (everything seem to be a blur) but losing your babies are definitely harder. Even till this day I still think about my best friend and I do know what you mean...it feels as though it just happen yesterday and before you know it times just goes by...you will think about it no matter what.

    Thanks for sharing your post knowing how hard it is...

    Annie (NJ)

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  30. I am so sorry to read this Amy! My thoughts are with you and Matt.
    Stay strong. Lots of love x Roz

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  31. You're an extremely strong couple to have gone through such a tragic experience. Thinking of you both at this time.

    Amy xx

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  32. I feel blessed to have read this. You are so strong and my thoughts are with you. x

    Bryani

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  33. A beautifully written post. I can't believe it's been seven months already. Sending you and Matt lots of love. xx

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  34. I'm so, so sorry you had to go through this. It's so heartbreakingly unfair xx

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  35. You are both so unbelievably strong and brave. I hope that as time passes, you are able to find the path that you need to travel down in order to move on from this heartbreak. I hope that you both find your peace. Sending you and Matt all of my love ♥

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  36. Oh Amy. I have no words, you are a remarkable human. Xxx

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  37. Oh Amy, this post must of been so hard to write and I really can't express the words of the pain you must be feeling. Seven months have past and with the continually support from Matt, your family and friends each day will slightly (if only by a tiny bit) easier.

    I really do admire you and your strength so very much.

    Warm hugs and thoughts.

    Lou

    www.thekeypieces.co.uk

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  38. Your blog has always been one of my favourite. So nice, welcoming, warm, classy. I love it now even more than before because you chose to share such a private and painful journey with us. Every word you wrote is a nest of emotions that you give to us and it's a way to make William and Noah always alive and present not just on yours and Matt's thoughts but on ours too. Hope the pain will leave you one day so that you can keep the good memories.
    Love
    Claudia
    http://claudia-overtherainbow.blogspot.com

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  39. what an absolutely beautiful post. I'm so sorry that you and matt have gone through this, you both seem like such lovely people and life can be so cruel and unfair. My heart goes out to you both, sending you all my love xxxx

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  40. I can identify so much with this. I lost our twins at 20 weeks (a boy and a girl) then had 2 miscarriages in the following two years. The grief and feelings of failure stuck with me until after a pregnancy filled with worry, ended in the birth of our darling daughter.

    The birth brought us extreme joy but I also had a deep feeling of sorrow and even guilt for the children I had lost.

    Over the years my pain has eased and my 8 year old Princess is my pride and joy. She knows all about her brothers and sisters and although I will always grieve their loss, I see them all in my little girl.

    Much love to you and Matt. You will be wonderful parents and William and Noah with always be part of your family. xx

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  41. I have just sat and read your story, you write so beautifully about it. I am so sorry that you have had to go through this, as a Mummy myself I can not imagine the pain of it. xx

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  42. I can't imagine what you have been through, but you are so strong and I really admire that. Writing this post is so incredible and my heart goes out to you both xx

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