Everyone else seems so expectant and full of anticipation. Everyone else seems able to look forward to the baby’s arrival without the weight that we continue to carry from losing William and Noah. Matt and I both remember their birth like it only happened yesterday. We both remember the phone call I made to Matt at work to let him know I was having contractions. We both remember the silent drive to the hospital, the unspoken weight of what was about to happen sitting heavily between us. We both remember what it was like to lie in that hospital room, knowing that our twins were soon about to die. We both remember being told that Noah was stillborn. We both remember holding William in our arms as he died.
Every time I think that I haven’t felt the baby move for a while, I recall the night they were born, along with the past eleven months, and I find myself wondering how we could possibly cope with losing another child. Every day we are anxious. We ask each other, “do you really think the baby will be okay?” It just seems unreal that we might actually have a child who lives at the end of this pregnancy.
We are apprehensive about returning to the labour suite which holds so many sad memories. The place where we spent so many terrified days and nights over the course of three months, where we wondered so many times if this was the day our babies would die, until one day, it was.
As our baby’s birth draws closer, I am reminded once again how difficult pregnancy after loss is. It is a lonely journey still. It is easy for people to share in our excitement as we wait for our new baby to arrive. But sadly we fear there is no one who is able to share in our continual grief and pain.
And so with only a few weeks to go, joy and excitement continue alongside sadness and sorrow…
I can't imagine what you are both going through! I wish you all the best and will be thinking of you when the due date comes. You are so brave and strong!
All the best <3
Claudia xx
Beauty and the Chic
I can't imagine how tough it is for you! I lost a pregnancy very early and that affected me. To go through such loss is so much more. My thoughts are with you and I hope you all the best. Thank you for sharing your feelings. The more people talk about these things the more people will realise.
Aww Amy – You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope this time everything goes smootly and you get to come home cradling your little baba. Your boys will always be your boys and it must be so hard for you to be without them, you are a very brave lady
xxx
This must be such a difficult time for you both. Such a conflict of emotions. I cannot imagine what you are going through but I admire you so much. I don't know you or Matt but I've followed your blog for a while and I think you are both so strong! I hope everything goes well for you both. You'll be in my thoughts xx
I can't imagine how hard it must be for you both, I'm so sorry for your loss. Although I've been fortunate enough to not have experienced a situation like that, it's more than understandable that you're both anxious. I really wish you all the absolute best of luck with your labour and delivery. xx
Curls & Swirls Beauty Blog
I can't even begin to imagine how terribly hard it must be to deal with such conflicting emotions at such a time. You're doing so well Amy, my thoughts are with you both xx
I really hope that everything goes well for you this time around <3 it's understandable that you're going to be reminded of what happened last time but fingers crossed everything will go smoothly and you'll be full of happiness xx
http://www.LaurasHaven.com
My parents lost a baby and although I can't imagine what you are going through first hand, I know all too well the emotions that you will be feeling at this time. Thankfully, they went on to have my brother and he is now the most precious thing in our lives. I am sending you and your gorgeous man all the luck in the world that this will also be the case for you. You are stronger than you will ever know and I crossing my fingers that soon 2 will become 3 xxx
Amy I admire you more than you will ever know for being able to share these feelings with us, I honestly can't imagine how you must feel right now, you are so strong. I wish you both all the luck in the world in this labour and delivery, sending you all my love and thinking of you all xxxx
Amy, I hope you're hanging in there if you're still waiting.
I lost my daughter aged 3 days after gross neglect of care during our induced labour. It is the most horrible experience arriving at a hospital pregnant and leaving without your baby/babies.
During my next pregnancy I stayed amazingly calm and positive… until the last week and then panic set in. Major panic.
I think ANY feeling you experience is perfectly normal and I still don't understand how Angel mums don't completely lose it when they manage to get pregnant again. Probably your family and friends are very worried and anxious about your labour but prefer to give you positive support without possibly upsetting you.
Keep focused on your baby and try to stay as calm as you can for his or her benefit. Maybe thinking that William and Noah are giving you strength, and looking over you and baby will give you a little sense of calm.
Sending the three of you big hugs x
Amy, this brought tears to my eyes. I remember reading your first post on your tragic loss and I can't believe a year has passed. You are such an inspiration to women who are dealing with the same pain and loss and I admire you and thank you for that.
Love,
Belle.x